Weddings on the other hand?

I’m an expert. Coordinating, running, being in them, attending, I’m even adding wedding cake making to the list this summer.

But marriage? Not on my resume yet.

And that can be kind of hard.

You see, I went to a Christian university where every spring there would be at least an engagement a week in the senior class. “Ring by spring or your money back”

Needless to say I am still paying student loans.

All this to say I was wary about coming to church tonight. Truthfully I go in and out of phases of being bummed about the non-marriage aspect of my life and then also phases of not wanting to be married.

But as usual I left feeling encouraged.

I’ve had a lot of different pictures of marriage in my life between family, friends and parents of the kids I work with.

Tonight I got a little something extra to hold onto. And also some beautiful reminders of what marriage is.

We talked about the mission of marriage and mystique of marriage. But it was the mission marriage that hit me.

We started all the way back in Genesis with Adam and Eve and the reasons why God brought Eve to Adam.

After Adam had named all of the animals and all of the plants and everything God created he stepped back and realized there was no one that was a match for him. It wasn’t that he was lonely, or sad but there was a feeling that there was something more that could be done.

So out of the flesh of his flesh God made Eve.

Eve was there to walk with Adam, to do life with him.

And I realized something. That is what it is all about. Doing life together. Going on mission together. Sharing together. Being better together then when you are apart.

That’s beautiful.

It’s crazy to see what God did there. He gave us a picture, an example of how He loves us. How He loves the church.

So now looking back at all of what I heard tonight I am encouraged.

I am seeing how Christ loves me. How He wants more for me. How he wants me to be in mission with Him. How I can do so much more with Him then I can do on my own strength.

So one day maybe I will be married and I will be able to put this picture, this love into practice with my husband. I will know that I am stronger with that person. And if I don’t end up getting married I will know that I am still ok.

Because in Christ I am whole. He makes me whole, makes us whole.  He loves us.

And in that love He gives me, give us the opportunity to walk along with someone else, to share together.

Over the years I have become a more sociable and open person. This was not the case even a few years ago. Nothing sounded more relaxing and entertaining to me than some quiet time alone watching a movie or catching up on my favorite TV shows.

That slowly changed as I tried to handle some of life’s challenges by myself and was worn down entirely. More and more God has opened my heart and has shown me how a group of people supporting each other, encouraging each other, and working together can bring about huge growth.

That is why, when I was first introduced to the Spring Cleaning project, I was thrilled to become a site coordinator for one of the schools in Costa Mesa. I jumped at the opportunity to see first hand how God is working through ROCKHARBOR, and other churches in the area, to strengthen and build-up the community, especially local schools.

While organizing this project I was able to meet with the principle of of the school. She was grateful for all the help we had to offer and was blown away that we were willing to not only clean up one time, but return for other projects like reading programs. She was accustomed to seeing people organize a single event or help out in some way, but to see a group willing to build relationships and community in the school was rare.

I believe God has given us at ROCKHARBOR a chance to not only clean up and beautify schools, but to start a new relationship with the administration, students, families, and community members for years to come.

Join us for this amazing opportunity by visiting http://serveday.org/projects/all and signing-up for one of the projects at one of the listed schools.

If I’ve learned anything from the story I am about to tell you…it is that God is persistent.

It began on Thursday night, when I was asked to share my story of sexual redemption at RH Orange’s Sex, Love, God on Chapman University’s campus. Even though my story is intense and something I am not proud of–I think I have gotten pretty good at telling it. Throughout my years in ministry, I have been trained to be open and vulnerable. I know as a pastor, that in order for others to feel comfortable reflecting on their own stories and sharing them with the community of believers, I have to step up first.

So I did it. I stood in front of a room full people and told them about the horrible things I’d done and that had been done to me. I told them that I had experienced healing (which I have, in part) and that everything was fine. I had forgiven and forgotten. Because I thought that is what they would want to hear.

I had an unsettling feeling in my stomach all night that something was wrong. I ignored it because–come on–I had just opened myself up and been affirmed by many that my story impacted them. I had done my job, and I had done it well. There was nothing that could have possibly been wrong.

But I could not shake it.

I knew deep down, I had not forgiven anyone. I had not forgotten anything. I still was walking around with the burden of incredible bitterness and hatred towards people who had hurt me in my life. But I’d never say that. I’d never let anyone know that–because that’s not encouraging, right?

Saturday, I found myself in the seats of the Centre at the first annual Leadership Ascent. It was an incredible time of learning and being encouraged in leadership, and I took away a ton of great tidbits and information that I can tangibly use as a leader in the church and in my community.

But the thing that stuck out to me the most was something Albert Tate said in the final afternoon session. He told us that the dangerous part about ministry is that you can learn how to do it.

Is that what I had done? Had I learned to communicate my story in such a way that I could speak the correct words to get responses from people without actually having to do what it was that I claimed to have done?

I visited another church Sunday morning, and the topic was: Forgiveness. I remember feeling as if God was saying “Hey Lauren, you should probably pay attention to everything that is said in this message. Ok?” I didn’t like that so much.

The entire time, I sat in heavy conviction from the Holy Spirit about the fact that I had been living a life of hypocrisy. I had urged others to move to a place of healing and forgiveness, when I has not done so myself. But I still chose to ignore God. I didn’t walk up to receive prayer during the response time of that service. I decided that I would bear the burden of being convicted for a while longer. That way was easier. Safer. More comfortable.

Then came Sunday.

In the midst of a chaotic pre-service routine, I felt that the Lord was going to do something in me that I was not going to expect. I suppressed this thought and told Him that I was busy with my duties and that I didn’t have time to be bothered with conviction or a call to turn from my hypocritical ways. We could deal with that another time. On my terms.

And then-what was the message about? Relationships. Specifically, forgiveness in relationships. Freedom from bitterness and anger held towards people in our lives.

REALLY!? How was this happening? Finally–after what seemed like days of preparation–God finally had my attention. It was clear that he was speaking to me. I could not live a life with hatred in my heart anymore. It just was not acceptable. My heart needed to be transformed–and God was ready to do it.

I stepped out for prayer during response, and I cannot even describe how sweet and gentle the Lord was to me during that time of prayer. It was as if He held me in his arms and let me go through all the emotions and pain of my story with Him right there in that moment. He showed me that I had spent time in appropriate grieving and processing, but that it was truly time for me to forgive people who had done wrong against me. It didn’t matter that I would never see them again, or that they would never apologize to me in person–because the Lord was doing a work in my heart that was for my good.

The process of forgiving is just that, a process. I know that I have some work ahead of me, which will be painful and uncomfortable. But I am imagining the next time I stand up and tell my story, it will from an authentic place. I am no longer a hypocrite because I have stepped into the healing and freedom of forgiveness that can only be from the Lord.

Will you join me?

God has taken that struggle and given him the ability to connect with young people on a level that many others can’t. The fact is? He’d been in their shoes, it wasn’t that knew someone who had been through it, or had a family member go through it (although he did help lead his son out of addiction,) it was him. He knew all to well the pressures, emotions, and fears that led to alcoholism. His experience has given him the unique ability to recognize, and more importantly empathize with people on both sides of addiction.

Today Mike is a servant leader, taking on the mantle of mentor and coach on a High School campus. With over 20 years of experience in getting kids healthy, and is a leading authority on what leads to drug abuse. He dedicates his life to helping others to escape a life anchored by prescription and illegal dugs. During this past year he worked with over 300 students and his families. But there is more too. His is also the founder and director of Early Prevention Team, and non-profit program designed to education and support struggling teens and there families. On top of that 15 years ago he helped to find a camp that has served over 2,000 students from 67 high schools that helps develop future leaders in our communities.

Mike will be the first to tell you that he isn’t sharing this to brag. He wants you to know that if he hadn’t gotten through his own struggles, if God hadn’t pulled him up out of that. he would not be the effective leader he is today. He is picked up out of the ashes, and is now a light for the kingdom of God. God can take anything, any experience, any rough patch and use it to lift up others. All you have to do is let Him.

At the time workers were few and the amount of work great; so he joined the crew. His dedication lead him to arrive earlier than everyone else in order to accomplish more. Soon, though their team of six was cut in half as three of them moved out of state. With that, Brian’s responsibility grew. Strangely, he became one of the veterans in a matter of weeks.

Later there was a need for someone to drive the trailer full of equipment from central campus down to Mission Viejo campus. As a driver by profession Brian stepped into this role as well.

After a few months of serving Brian was approached with a request. Chad Halliburton, the campus pastor, spoke to Brian about leading this area of the church. The campus was going through growing pains, which was great, but areas of great need and help were presenting themselves, spurred on by the move from Laguna Hills to Mission Viejo.

Never considering himself a leader before Brian was a little shocked at Chad’s request. However, he accepted the role. and stepped into it with faith.. His role at RH Mission Viejo fuels and feeds his strong desire to serve the church and provides great joy in his life.

Brian’s journey to a place of leadership is reminiscent of the way in which God works to develop us in our lives. So often we ask God to tell us, or show us, a blueprint for our lives. Which would provide a great sense of comfort and most likely make the work and motivation easier, but it would negate the necessity of faith when living for the Lord.

Brian’s road began with volunteering to help set up and tear down with a group of people he had never met before. It was a bit of a time commitment but nothing major. However, it was a single step in a long line of steps that lead somewhere. So often we want to move ahead without having to actually walk. God calls us to the task at hand in the day that we are living.

When the next step that God calls us to take is a big one; like stepping into a leadership role, it catches us by surprise. If we look back at the work that had been done prior, and we examine ourselves in the Lord we will find that God’s provisions make us ready for the next step. He is our strength.

One day during that season, Chad approached us and asked if we would consider leading a ministry together.  God had already placed a fire in our hearts as we learned more and more about local schools in need.  When Chad laid out some of the ideas for local partnerships for RHMV, our eyes and hearts lit up when he talked about leading a team to serve at a public school in Mission Viejo.  He asked us to watch “Waiting for Superman” and told us to pray about stepping into this role.  ”Waiting for Superman” hit us pretty hard.  It opened our eyes to the fact that children just down the freeway don’t have the same chance of a growing future the way our son and the kids in our community do.  We were compelled to take on the Elementary Schools Initiative in Mission Viejo.  From day one, it’s been a constant journey of obedience and trust.  We have learned to put our agendas aside, and simply be used.

After some research on local schools, we were amazed at the deep need in a large number of struggling schools with falling scores and crumbling morale.  We interviewed principals at a short list of elementary schools in Mission Viejo and saw God opening hearts and doors to revealing His will for us.  We prayed and were surprisingly (although with God we should never be!) led to the least likely school.  One principal in another school was a passionate and open believer, and we definitely felt a connection and where we would feel comfortable.  But it turned out that the principal who had the most hesitancy and skepticism to receive us was the one who He kept leading us back to.  We had no idea how this was going to turn out, but we stepped out in faith and obedience.

The principal at the school asked us what we would like to do there.  Our focus was initially on programs…we had some ideas about what we could do.  It turns out that they already had plenty of great programs.  So when we finally stopped talking and instead started listening, we learned that what they needed most were volunteers in the classrooms.  Our eyes were quickly opened to the fact that not only would our presence impact the needs of the students, but our involvement would also encourage and lift the staff in ways beyond our expectation.  Our team has learned over the last 9 months that the biggest impact has been to love them with no other agenda.  And because of that we have seen the “Kingdom of Heaven at hand” and glimpses of God’s great light on the staff, students, and families of this school.

This has been a beautiful journey of faith and obedience in small things.  Small 5 dollar Starbucks gift cards to teachers that brought tears to their eyes. Painting school benches teaching us to serve joyfully and without recognition. 15 individual volunteers initially serving just one day during one week a month in classrooms reflecting God’s light collectively over the school.  Prayers that breed trust, hope, and love. Relationships amongst staff and teachers that grow one by one into deeper friendships.  Sharing of stories amongst the team giving glimpses of the Kingdom here and now.  The serve team and Linda Vista team work together to paint and redo the teachers lounge that now becomes a renewed place for teachers to escape and grow in morale.  A Keurig coffee pot in that lounge that to them represents the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Christmas gift bags that spark the principal to tell us we are “teaching them how to fish”.  Teachers, Staff, and the principle asking for prayer…amazing.  And on and on and on.

It is such a privilege to serve as part of this team.  Leading it?  Not really.  God is doing that.  He is doing all the hard work.  We did not know it could or would be this good.  But it is because He is good and faithful and loving.

In 4^th grade, I won our class election for President, and had never been happier. It was a true delight to stay after with my teacher and talk about class events, policies and such. My classmates thought I was a huge nerd, but I did not care in the least.  I was a part of ASB or some sort of student government during the entirety of high school and college, and can’t remember a time when I wasn’t leading some sort of team at church.

I guess you could say that leadership is in my blood. I even dreamed of one day being in the United Nations and leading big meetings about global politics. Fast-paced, loud, chaotic–it was like a dream to me.

Over the years, I have learned countless things about myself through being in positions of leadership, but it wasn’t until the past few years that I have shifted my perspective on what being a leader truly means.

Leadership is not about being in charge. It’s not about being the center of attention or talking above everyone else. It’s not about having the best ideas or even being able to articulate everything perfectly.

Leadership is about serving others. It’s about caring enough about a person to develop them and challenge them and push them in love. It’s about seeing another person’s gifts and talents and encouraging them to grow in them above anything else.

Somewhere in my upbringing I got trapped in the mindset that being a leader meant I had to be domineering. Loud. Forceful. Pushy. I had the reputation for being the “girl who could get things done” but I learned that people were growing tired of my overbearing personality. Sure, I enjoyed the compliments I was always getting and the recognition that came with each of my prestigious positions, but was that worth being someone that people truly didn’t like? My junior year of college provided me with a big realization that if I wanted to continue being a leader, something had to change. At this point, I was OK with that, I was willing to do anything to be better liked and well-received.

I just had no idea how hard this process would be…

The more and more that I grew in my relationship with Christ, the more and more unsettled I became about the way that I was leading things. I couldn’t help but think that Christ would have led others differently–in love not force. After some investigation, I confirmed my own hypothesis. If Christ was anything as a leader, it was humble. But his abundance of humility did not result in the diminishing of his confidence.

That’s one of the most valuable things I’ve learned over the years: confidence is not the opposite of humility. C.S. Lewis has this great quote that I have written on various papers around my room:

“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking about yourself less.”

It’s easy for leaders to swing to one side of the pendulum and become expectant of praise, thriving on every compliment and recognition. But it’s another dangerous temptation to become a person with low self-esteem and little confidence. As leaders, we have to recognize that God has blessed us with talents and wants us to be secure in those blessings.

So I’ve come to learn that being humble does not mean that you can’t take on responsibility above others or praise that comes with success–rather it means that your heart has to be focused on serving above anything else. At the end of the day, I care more about the people that I have served and their accomplishments above my own. But it certainly has not always been that way, and I am thankful for this evidence of growth.

Leadership (especially in the context of the church!) is something that is so tricky, but so necessary. God has equipped his people to step up and live to their full potential further his kingdom. I’ve learned that being a leader is a beautiful part that I get to play–and the more I can understand that it’s not about me in any way–the better leader I will be.

I went to church exhausted tonight.

For some reason that is a running theme in my life.

I don’t remember ever being tired like this. Not even in the deepest pit was as tired as I am right now.

And I am really kind of sick of fighting the exhaustion.

So because of that, I came to church excited. I was so ready for this sermon series. Expectant of what God was going to do. How He was going to show me how to live wanting and desiring more. Wanting to see how He was going to move and change me and our church as a whole.

But like most times when I go expecting one thing, Jesus has a whole different plan for me.

And it was these three words:

“Satan is patient”

Officially rocked.

When I was a freshman in college I learned about spiritual warfare and “the enemy”  for the first time. My church at home really hadn’t talked about it a lot. At first I thought it was slightly crazy. And then something happened.

I started to feel the opposition.

I started to feel the push back when I knew that I was walking in His ways. I would make decisions and choices and people who ALWAYS supported me were not supporting me.

Even though I knew what I was being called to was from God. And that I was walking in His story for me.

Now I have once again in a time of my life where going with God, jumping headfirst into this crazy, scary,thrilling story He has written for  me. I’m making the decisions that are hard and not always popular. And in all this I came to a realization about Satan.

He is silently cunning.

And he has slowly been chipping away at my identity and trying to tell me things that are completely untrue. Completely not who I am in Christ.

And I take it.

I completely have allowed Satan to bring me to a place where I believe I am not worth anything.

I have come to a place where I let him hit me while I am down. I let him feed me lies. I let him succeed in rewriting tiny pieces of my story. I let him erode my soul and hammer away at who God is creating me to be.

Ugh.

Why in the world do I do that?

Tonight as I sat in church I realized that Christ wants me to fight.

And not just me.

He wants US to fight. To yearn for more.

Tonight I was reminded of what my identity is in a powerful way.

I am valued, worthy, a treasure, a daughter of the King.

Tonight I was reminded that I need to live for Him.

Ephesians 2:10 [the message]

God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.

We have a purpose in our life.

We have this awesome Creator that has this brilliant plan for our lives.

But it’s not going to come easy.

It’s a battle.

A journey.

It can and will be painful.

But there is so much more then what we can imagine.

We just need to lean into our story, open our eyes and jump.

And be aware of the opposing team that will be coming at us.

Be aware of the fact that we won’t have smooth sailing.

But we need to constantly remember to live in the knowledge that it is worth it.

Because He is worth it.

And in the end?

He wins.

The strange thing is though, I know that. God has shown up in ways in my life that are completely unexplainable. Far more than I asked for, or in many cases, in was that I didn’t ask for at all. As I listed to the message I really did wonder why I am so reluctant to ask things of God. He says in Matthew 6:25-26:

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they

Why am I worried? God has promised us that we are so much more to Him. Oh the things that could be accomplished for the kingdom and my life if I just took that to heart. God wants me to have more, to have the fullest of a life. But in order to do that, I need to trust Him, to trust the Holy Spirit to light the path for me, and then walk it along with me.

What am I missing out on by not seeking out the opportunities to let the Holy Spirit lead me to more in my life. If He has taken me to where I am now (which is pretty great) and he wants me to have more? Well, this could be nothing short of amazing.

Because me? I am a screw up.

To the random person that only knows me from outward appearances or the ones that see me 2-3 days a week when they are dropping off or picking up their kids at preschool I work at it may not seem like I need Jesus that bad.

But I do.

And I have come into every Easter this way. With my hands out, my heart open, almost one dimensionally being thankful the He died on the cross for me.

But this year?

My Easter went from being a singular picture, one page summary, to a story. (more…)